I'm already doing different versions of this on tumblr and dailybooth, hahaha! Why am I doing this to myself?! XD

 

Letters to:

Day 1 — Your best friend

Day 2 — Your crush

Day 3 — Your parents

Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 — Your dreams

Day 6 — A stranger

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 — The person you miss the most

Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 — Someone from your childhood

Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be

Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 — The last person you kissed

Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life

Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

So I signed up for NaNoWriMo. And I haven't written a word. I don't know what to write about. I'm going completely against what NaNoWriMo stands for, which is basically literary abandon. 50,000 words or die trying. Just write, write, write. AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!! I can't do it! I'm not psychologically ready!

This is my biggest problem, come to think of it. I've failed multiple times in school due to an inability to turn in papers. I have this major thing towards editing myself in general. It's not like how some NaNoWriMo pep talks described it, that it's because I need to find the perfect words to describe things. I don't mind that stuff. It's more of like I need to have everything figured out before I start. Maybe I just need to write? Even if I have no idea what to write about? Not even an inkling? My inner editor is already screaming in agony at the very idea. Shit, I want to scream in agony at the very idea. I'm a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist is exhausting, and it's all or nothing for me, in anything. Because perfectionism is so exhausting, I end up giving nothing.

I've thought about this a few times before. I know it's morbid, but recently I've thought several times that "What if I died tomorrow? What imprint on the would I leave behind? How would people remember me?" and the answers I came up with were pretty depressing. I tried to look at it from an objective-ish point of view (nothing is truly objective, but let's not get into the philosophy of that now).

Teachers will remember me as the girl who consistently got low grades, failing marks and INCs, probably because of too much partying or because of laziness. The partying part was an actual indirect accusation by a teacher. I don't blame them, they don't know what's going on in my head and frankly, the probably really don't care. I've been compared several times to a raw gem-- potentially brilliant, but unpolished. A gem is a gem, but raw is still raw. As to this point, I don't know what to think or how to react. I know I should have a better work ethic, because that's what it is, a work ethic. But at the same time, it's very difficult for me to change. I somehow feel that I compromise my own ethics and principles if I try to work with someone else's work ethic. I know it's weird, but that's how it is with me. I end up being very uncomfortable, and ultimately, unable to function normally.

Family. They'll probably remember me as the immature baby, which is pretty ironic considering I'm the eldest of five siblings. I don't know, it's probably an objective POV fail, but that's the impression I get sometimes. Irresponsible, immature, frivolous and...pink and sparkly. Okay, am I REALLY so pink and sparkly? I know it's a running joke, but sometimes it feels like it's too much of a joke. It's like if other people can't take myself seriously, I can't take myself seriously. While I am aware that it should be the other way around, sometimes it feels sort of self-defeating. If I try to take myself seriously, I'm told to lighten up. If I lighten up a little too much, I'm told to be more serious and responsible. I'm so confused! ~__~

Friends. In their eyes, I'm probably the spacey, spazzy girl who shouldn't be taken seriously...and forgets everything. I mean, no offense, but that's often the way I feel I'm viewed.

Okay, so I probably am all these things. But why do I feel like that's a bad thing? This is where my dilemma comes in. Nobody wants to be remembered as immature or frivolous. But if that's how I am, am I supposed to change myself if I don't like myself? The whole idea of self-improvement befuddles me. Whatever happened to loving yourself as you are? But what are you supposed to do when there are so many things you want yourself to improve on? Let's say I wanted to change the parts of me that I didn't like, physically, mentally and emotionally. Which is a lot of things, to be completely honest. If I did, I wouldn't be the Zaki that everyone knows now. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Where does that leave self-improvement? Self-improvement is all well and good, but where is the line you shouldn't cross? Is there even such a line?

Interesting. So this is where my writing problem's roots are. Now what? Maybe I should just dive into NaNoWriMo with my eyes closed and hoping for the best? AAaAaAAGH. NaNoWriMo, here I come. Even if I'm screaming in agony as I do so! *o*

It depends, really, on the gravity of the "crime". There are some things that I will forgive, but never forget. But there are also others things that are better off being forgotten. Usually the little slights, because they're not worth a friendship, for example.

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